The Kingdom of Slashalot
by Moonlite Streak
Summary: Poor Merlin is in love with the oblivious Arthur! But he can't seem to get the courage to confess. So he hatches plan after elaborate plan to make the prince jealous - but all does not work out as Merlin thought...slash, but pretty much only implied. Fun!


_Author's Note: Expect OOC-ness and a lot of laughs (hopefully). Warning - __**slash**__ (non-explicit)_

* * *

For once, Merlin was actually in the tavern.

He was brooding pitifully over a tankard of ale - watered down, because he had enough sense to realise that **Mighty Warlock + Ale = Bad news**.

He was brooding over a great many number of things, but mainly he was trying to discern his feelings for a certain blonde-haired prince and the _heart-ache_ he felt whenever Arthur was around Gwen.

However he had given up making sense of Kilgarrah's predictions long ago - they just gave him a _head-ache_.

So after much brooding and a little ale, he hatched a plan. Get Gwaine to date him to make Arthur jealous, then Arthur will fall into his arms!

He pretended not to notice the many holes in this plan - such as how Gwaine would agree.

* * *

For the second time in a week, Merlin was actually in the tavern.

He was brooding pitifully next to Gwaine over a tankard of ale - watered down, because he had enough sense to realise that **Mighty Warlock + Ale = Bad news**.

He was brooding over a great many number of things, but mainly he was trying to discern how to get Gwaine to go along with his master plan.

He had given up using magic to try and persuade the drunkard long ago - he was practically immune to the stuff given his inebriated state.

So after much brooding and a little ale, he hatched a plan. Get Gwaine catastrophically drunk, so he'll accept the idea without question!

He pretended not to notice the many holes in this plan - such as how much ale Gwaine could [actually] consume.

* * *

A lot of time and ale later, Merlin had both an empty wallet and Gwaine's acceptance of the plan. The knight agreed right before he fell unconscious. He'll be fine, Merlin assured himself.

Now all he had to do was be seen with Gwaine and get Arthur jealous! Easy, right?

* * *

The next day, word had got around that Gwaine had eloped with King Uther, and they planned to be wed before the end of the month. This announcement was met with laughter from many, but Merlin saw red.

Apparently Gwaine had pronounced their engagement to the population of Camelot last night, standing on top of some tables in the tavern. So deep in his brooding, Merlin hadn't heard, but with the failure of his plan he was devastated.

He felt betrayed by the rogue knight - how dare he cheat on Merlin in their pretend relationship in which neither party felt any attraction towards the other!

Merlin ignored the fact that Uther was still in Camelot and hadn't run away with anyone, and that Gwaine was still passed out blind-drunk and didn't remember a thing from the night before.

So Merlin devised a new, more cunning plan - it covered the revenge on Gwaine and it would make Arthur very jealous.

Merlin was going to get a king of his own. (in your face, Gwaine!)

* * *

Our young warlock acquired a few days leave from his duties (two words: blackmail, donkey-ears) and set out for Cendrid's kingdom.

Yes, the king he had chosen was Cendrid - a known enemy of Camelot, famous for his long hair. The first fact was to make Arthur jealous - the second was directed at Gwaine.

Merlin had sto-_liberated_ a horse from the royal stables for the journey. He knew that the journey would usually take two or three days, but he had an extensive knowledge of the area and any useful shortcuts, a highly trained horse and a bit of magic to quicken the journey.

He made it to Cendrid's castle before afternoon.

* * *

Upon arrival, Merlin was escorted to Cendrid's throne room, for an audience with the king. He felt pretty awesome, being _escorted_.

He knelt down at the foot of Cendrid's throne until given the order to rise. The guards removed the chains from his hands and the bag from over his head.

"Why have you come here? You are an ally of Camelot, and any ally of Camelot is an enemy of mine!"

Merlin fought the urge to sigh. Cendrid was a bit dim - of course he was an ally of Camelot, he's the personal servant of the prince himself! And how old was that speech now? Nearly as repetitive as Kilgarrah's 'destiny, doom-and-gloom' speeches.

"I have a proposal for you, my lord." Merlin proposed. Wait, proposed…that word is used an awful lot.

Cendrid stroked his little beard (he had been trying to grow it so that he could pull of the 'contemplative' look)

"And why should I accept your proposal?" He asked. Merlin was stunned - the greasy king was showing initiative and _asking something_!

The warlock quickly covered his surprised expression and frantically scrabbled for an excuse. Eventually he mentally shrugged and just said it as it was.

"I want to make Arthur jealous." He answered simply.

Cendrid nodded to himself, the movement eliciting a rather large squeak from his leather shirt. And pants. And shoes. And god knows what else.

Merlin and the guards looked around awkwardly, trying not to laugh lest they lose their heads. (Even though Cendrid wasn't the Queen of hearts, he sure knew how to execute them.)

You see, Cendrid wasn't interested in what Merlin had to say, not really. The real reason why he was considering the plan was because he too wanted to make someone jealous - Morgause.

Morgause was all 'sister' this and 'sister' that - it drove him insane!

So Cendrid nodded his assent and shook Merlin's hand.

"Sure, why not?"

* * *

However, it seems that our leather-clad villain had spoken too soon. No sooner had he given an affirmative answer, he was incinerated rather painfully on the spot, by a fireball wielded by none other than his jealous witch girlfriend.

She made quite the striking figure actually, blonde tresses blowing in the convenient wind, golden eyes burning with jealousy and teeth gnashing malevolently.

_Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned._

Poor Merlin couldn't agree more, and he decided (quite wisely too) to high-tail it out of there before Morgause found him out. The crazy blonde already had enough reasons to kill him - no need to add recent events to the tally.

As he was running madly, a past-time which was quickly becoming a regular thing, Merlin was left with some time to think.

("Dangerous thing to do," our favourite prince quoted in his head.)

To be honest, he was a bit put out by the apparent failure of his wonderful plan. He soon decided to ditch the whole 'revenge' thing; it wasn't working and frankly, it cramped his style.

So instead, as he found himself once more among the trees of Camelot, he detoured to a certain dragon's cave for advice.

Do not bother asking Merlin how he knew that they were Camelot's trees. It should be obvious to all that he'd met their acquaintance at some point or another, knowing his tendency to get up close and personal with the native flora on his travels. (read: clumsiness) He'd certainly tripped enough times to recognise them all individually by now.

* * *

So Merlin found himself in the Dragon's cave, while Morgause stood around a long way back, scratched her head a bit- (because whatever she says, we all know that her hair is a wig, and wigs are itchy) -and went to go consult her sister on what to do next.

As always, Kilgarrah landed in front of Merlin, spectacle complete with a lavish bow and a greeting of "Young warlock,"

Merlin waved the greeting off absentmindedly, his mind focused on more pressing matters, such as those of his heart.

Kilgarrah the observant, as he liked to call himself these days, noticed (after a while, because he was still new to the whole 'observe-but-don't-kill' humans thing) that Merlin was more out of it than usual.

He heaved a great dragon-sigh; no doubt he'd have to dredge up another old 'save the world' and 'unite Albion, it's your destiny' speech.

"Kilgarrah?" Merlin called, rousing the dragon from his thoughts. The dragon tilted his head, signalling for the dragonlord to continue.

"I have a problem. It's to do with Arthur…"

Ah. Kilgarrah knew just how to remedy that, by doing what he did best. Well he wasn't sure how it would help, but he had to stay in character after all.

Never one to be labelled as doing things by half, the great dragon proceeded to launch a full-blown destiny speech, complete with quotes of prophecy and all.

By the time he finished, he looked to find Merlin fast asleep and the moon high in the sky.

"Hmm," he thought as he reflected on his speech, "Not my best work, could do with a little fine-tuning and it was a bit short, but not bad."

He chuckled and gave himself a pat on the back. It was slightly difficult with his wings in the way, but he managed it.

* * *

Dawn reared its head nice and early, the soft light prodding at Merlin's eyelids insistently. He woke, yawned and looked around the cave. Kilgarrah had scratched a note into the ground, saying that he was off hunting, and that he wished Merlin good luck with his destiny. (Do I sense a double-meaning here?)

The warlock shrugged, stood up and brushed himself down (caves tended to be awful dusty - had Kilgarrah heard of 'Spring cleaning'?) and walked out the entrance.

Merlin had made good time yesterday, covering pretty much the whole distance from Cendrid's kingdom to Camelot in a mad rush attempt to escape Morgause's wrath. He stretched a bit, neck and back cracking with a satisfying pop, then set out on the (short) journey back to Camelot.

Before midday our dark haired hero stepped into the lower towns of Camelot. How he made it through the forests without being ambushed by bandits, slave-traders, magical creatures or crazy witches, we will never know to this day.

But Merlin was glad to be home. He trudged off to the Physician's chambers for a bite to eat and-(he sniffed his armpit experimentally and nearly passed out) -a change of clothes.

* * *

Life resumed as per normal, if we ignore the whole _'Merlin saved Arthur's life again today and the prat didn't even realise' _it thing.

However, as close to normal as life could get, Merlin was still struggling with his ever growing feelings. So he decided to consult his closest friend - the honourable Lancelot.

The meeting went…well it was weird. Lancelot was shifty the whole time, skirting around whatever Merlin threw at him (figuratively).

All that the warlock could get from the conversation was that he didn't have to worry about Gwen and Arthur being together for some reason…meh.

The next day, both Gwen and Lancelot were M.I.A. - Merlin thought it odd that they both disappeared at the same time, but he seemed to be the only one in Camelot who questioned the coincidence.

Eventually he decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, and accept the opportunity to confess to Arthur as it was.

Which he promptly did.

The End xxx

* * *

_A/N: And yep, that's it. Reminding you all that this is a __oneshot__, and it isn't planned to be continued._

_Thanks for reading, please review and PM me for anything you need _

_-Moonlite Streak_


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